I came to a sad conclusion this week. At the end of an extremely long day I left the office and walked, umbrella-less, into fierce rain. With comic timing that would make the writers of a very lazy sitcom proud, a passing bus went over a puddle and splashed me with water. I then received a heart-sinking work email guaranteed to make me jittery for what was left of the evening. Short of my trousers falling down, things couldn't have gone worse.
There comes a point where you're so deep you may as well wallow. I thumbed through the songs on my phone looking for something simpatico with the bottomless misery of the dampened salaryman. And nothing was. I've become too boring and middle-aged to be remotely soothed by any of the thousands of songs I've spent my pre-middle age acquiring.
All the ones about being dumped and lonely don't apply, and hopefully won't unless my future wife catches me scoffing a horse burger. My problems aren't really relevant to vague suspicion about what the government's up to (Radiohead), my rocking horse breaking (Belle and Sebastian) or having confused feelings about getting bummed under a bridge (The Smiths), to name a few former reliable favourites.
And then it hit me. I was surrounded by equally miserable men in suits. What pissed us all off that day must have more of a common thread than the moaning coming through our earphones. It's a gap in the market - Office Pop. Business Indie. Stock Rock. Songs about the life of the office droog.
I can't do the music, but I've jotted down some proposed titles. If anyone wants to put some tunes together I'd be happy to expand on them. Who wouldn't want this album?
1) The Printer Is Working Again
2) Ow! Paper Cut
3) Close of Business Deadline Blues
4) Hiding From The Birthday Collection
5) Please Note That An Engineer Has Been Called Regarding The Printer
6) FYI Yourself, Arseface
7) When A Man And Another Man Wear The Same TM Lewin Tie
8) That Bastard Nicked My Stapler
9) Ironing A Shirt (For Dress-Down Friday)
10) The Printer Is Working Again (No Colour Printing)
Wait, I've just remembered there is one workplace-based song - see below. I still think Wage Wave will be the next big thing.
